SELF-ESTEEM: WHAT IS IT AND HOW TO INCREASE IT

Nowadays, self-esteem is a highly important topic, with an extreme social impact. Having a great self-esteem is useful to ourselves. For our social welfare, for the self-realization and lastly, to do some good to the community. I am Romeo Lippi, I’m a psychologist and a psychotherapist who tries to combine music with psychology through the “song-therapy”.

WHAT IS SELF-ESTEEM?

Self-esteem is the mixture of beliefs and behaviours that give you self-confidence. More specifically, with the term “self-esteem” we talk about any thought, emotion and behaviour that you dispose into your personality. They give you the power to face everything that happens to you and they make you feel up to a certain task, in that specific field.

SOME CLARIFICATIONS NEED TO BE DONE

Self-esteem doesn’t mean “ego”. Nowadays we usually misunderstand these two terms. Arrogance is a typical insecure people’s feature. In fact, through an aggressive process, they take their insecurity taking over the others. A high level of self-esteem means to “give to the others”, it means good vibes which go to the others as well. In other words, who does have a great amount of self-esteem is able to be on good terms with the others and with themselves. Let’s give an example: Jovanotti, an Italian singer. You can say that he has a good self-esteem. In fact, when he stands right in front of your eyes, or when he sings his songs on stage, you can feel his energy just because he believes in himself. That doesn’t take over you, it actually gives value to you as well.

HOW IMPORTANT IS IT CHILDHOOD IN THE INFLUENCE ON SELF-ESTEEM?

Childhood influences a lot our self-esteem. When we are young, we have a biological instinct called “attachment” which leads us to bond to the “caregiver”, the ones who take care of us. It usually concerns our mum and dad. It’s a biological instinct because we need the others to survive until we become old enough. Until that moment, we humans are defenseless for a long time in front of the world. This gives us the possibility to develop some abilities while our caregivers, that is to say our parents, support us. If our parents are confident and congruent, they give you love and empathy, you will certainly have an attachment. A secure attachment means that you have a clear concept of yourself and of your possibilities in the world and this obviously leads to a great self-esteem.

WHAT COULD HAPPEN OTHERWISE?

If parents are otherwise inconsistent, we obviously do not interiorize a secure basement, and when we grow up we end up with a lack of self-confidence. For instance, in a song called “ragazzina” (“little girl”) by the Italian band Baustelle, you can learn how a careless father could create a situation of fragility in his daughter.

HOW MUCH DO SOCIAL NETWORKS INFLUENCE ONE’S SELF-ESTEEM?

Social networks could highly influence our self-esteem, inspirationally but also negatively. When we scroll down on Instagram, our mind does a sort of comparison between the images that it sees and ourselves. Due to such mechanism, we create a sort of chart, where we usually are losers. What we see in the video or in the pick posted on Instagram, is usually an artificial product, thanks to lights, make-up as well as workout. As a result, we perceive that those images are better than us. If the latter situation frequently happens, we would probably feel uneasy. That’s why we ought to benefit from social networks as inspiration and amusement. The American singer Lizzo, for example, is 178 cm tall and weight 140 kg. Instead of align herself to our society’s beauty standards, she uses her body to support body positivity.

HOW TO INCREASE SELF-ESTEEM AND SELF-CONFIDENCE?

There are two process that could run parallel to increase self-esteem and self-confidence.

1. THE THOUGHTS PROCESS:

We often have self-beliefs and thoughts that arise automatically. “I’m stupid”, “I’m ugly”, “I’ll never make it”, “I’m not up to the task”, “I have to be perfect”. These are thoughts that have been developed during childhood and that urge to be changed.

How?

We can for example take some past events as well as some of the present, and transform them into positive experiences. For instance: write down a moment where you have felt stupid, unfit. Later on, write down that same story, from another point of view, where you are able to cope with that situation. How would you have done to handle that situation in a different way? In that way, you can change a negative memory, or a negative thought. In other words, you use an event from the past, which cannot be changed, to train yourself in order to be more positive and self-confident.

2. THE BEHAVIOURAL ASPECT:

You obviously have to challenge yourself in front of situations that are difficult for you to perceive yourself as a courageous person. Talking about that, “Love yourself” by Eminem, is a song that can help you power facing determined issues and increasing your self-esteem. Moreover, Eminem was and still is a rap superstar, who started from his own difficulties such as being a white rapper among black people. He made it, changing his negative thoughts about himself and getting down with his behaviour-transformation.

ARE THERE SOME USEFUL EXERCISES?

The following exercises could be useful.

1. THE SOLITUDE TEST:

Many people, who aren’t self-confident, find it hard to be alone, but they have to challenge themselves to do so. You can go alone to the cinema, or to a museum, as well as at the sea or in a trip. Doing this kind of actions, you can overcome your fear. You will surely notice that nothing bad happens. It will be an awesome experience indeed and you will learn many important things.

In this particular moment, during our quarantine, we are obliged to stay at home, in most cases in total loneliness. We have to learn how to tolerate this situation. When you feel you are overwhelmed with this condition, you can meditate, read, do some work out and many other activities. The song “Living on my own” by Queen, can be a reference. It in fact talks about living alone.

2. THE SCULPTOR EXERCISE:

As Michelangelo and Pigmalione said, “the sculptor doesn’t create anything, he finds the sculpture just inside the marble block”. You may wonder: “how would my confident other-self, who lies inside of me act?”

Because inside of you there is a self-confident person. However it is hidden by negative experiences and wrong beliefs which have settled during time. Through this kind of exercise you would easily discover useful behaviours which you can put into practice in determined situations.

HERE YOU HAVE A PRACTICAL EXAMPLE:

If your partner doesn’t reply to one of your texts, your instinct will tell you to send him an aggressive message. You may practice in this way: “How would act the confident person inside of me?”

The answer will certainly be: “Do not send that text”. You may then chose to act as your other self tells you to act. If nothing comes to your mind, you can always ask yourself “What would x in this situation do?”. Meaning, by “x”, a person that you particularly estimate or a person who has a high self-esteem. Talking about this aspect, the song “Me ne frego” (“I don’t care”) by the Italian singer Achille Lauro is extremely interesting. Other people’s opinion doesn’t have to bother us. We have to try to care more about ourselves.

WHO DO WE HAVE TO CONTACT IF WE CAN’T MANAGE FOLLOWING THESE PIECES OF ADVICE?

If you aren’t able to cope with this sort of situations, you can always contact a psychologist. Psychologists are always willing to help you with self-esteem development, in an effective way. Don’t focus on 80’s theories, where you have to watch yourself at the mirror and say “I can do it”, it doesn’t work. There are experts who are there to teach you those behaviours that you have to put into practice in everyday life.

HOW WILL THE SELF-ESTEEM PROCESS EVOLVE IN THE FUTURE? WILL PEOPLE BE MORE SELF-CONFIDENT OR WILL THEY BECOME MORE INSECURE?

There may be more difficulties regarding this matter, in the future. This is because we will tend to be more and more in front of a screen. Screens are sort of a protection to reality when we talk through a technological device. That happens because between one answer and the other, time passes, and most of all, because we are not physically present next to our speaker.

WHAT IS THE RISK?

Technological devices could be a risk, because self-esteem does build itself through action, through theories put into practice. I’m not against social medias, I always use them. However, they can switch us from online to offline. Our goal is to add value to ourselves and to the ones around us, not to become a master in a video game.

It is important to give it a go! And if you can’t manage alone, click here to contact me.

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Article translated by Elettra Zanella